Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in The Dark Knight Gravek's InsaneJournal:

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Friday, June 8th, 2007
1:50 am	I dont know who would read this still since I have yet to update it in a half of year, but if you do please email me at allpowerfulme@yahoo.com.. I'd love to hear from anyone out there. :) (Comment on this)
Sunday, September 24th, 2006
1:22 am	Chantiny, if you ever do read this if you have gained internet in where ever you are now, please email me at allpowerfulme@yahoo.com. My attention to AIM has dropped, so I would never get on without constant reminder. I hope to talk to you again. :) (Comment on this)
Thursday, June 8th, 2006
12:53 pm	Fuck you Firefly You my friend, you're a lot like them but I cut your line and you know I did now I'm lost in you like I always do and I'd die to win cause I'm born to lose Firefly, could you shine your light? Now I've learned your ways, cause they're just like mine Now I'm justified as I fall in line and it's hard to try when you're open wide Take my hand, we'll be off and then we'll come back again to different land Now I like this way You can go away if you guess the name you cannot replace Firefly, could you shine your light? Now I've learned your ways, cause they're just like mine Now I'm justified as I fall in line and it's hard to try when you're open wide Bring me your enemies lay them before me and walk away Walk away Walk away Firefly, could you shine your light? Now I've learned your ways, cause they're just like mine Now I'm justified as I fall in line and it's hard to try when you're open wide Fuck you firefly, have you lost your light? Now I hate your ways, cause they're just like mine So you've lost, my friend, such a sorry end and I don't know why So I choke and smile SMILE Current Music: Fire Fly - Breaking Benjamin (Comment on this)
Thursday, January 5th, 2006
5:04 pm	I loved you from the very first night I'm not happy. Havent been for a while. Nothing peticular, but nothing not included. I'm not happy. Current Music: Cold (I'm not here) - Evan's Blue (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, November 24th, 2005
1:18 am	Damn good song Lay beside me, tell me what they've done Speak the words I wanna hear, to make my demons run The door is locked now, but it's open if you're true If you can understand the me, than I can understand the you Lay beside me, under wicked sky The black of day, dark of night, we share this paralyze The door cracks open, but there's no sun shining through Black heart scarring darker still, but there's no sun shining through No, there's no sun shining through No, there's no sun shining... What I've felt, what I've known Turn the pages, turn the stone Behind the door, should I open it for you.... What I've felt, what I've known Sick and tired, I stand alone Could you be there, 'cause I'm the one who waits for you Or are you unforgiven too? Lay beside me, this won't hurt I swear She loves me not, she loves me still, but she'll never love again She lay beside me, But she'll be there when I'm gone Black heart scarring darker still, yes she'll be there when I'm gone Yes, she'll be there when I'm gone Dead sure she'll be there... What I've felt, what I've known Turn the pages, turn the stone Behind the door, should I open it for you.... What I've felt, what I've known Sick and tired, I stand alone Could you be there, 'cause I'm the one who waits for you Or are you unforgiven too? Lay beside me, tell me what I've done The door is closed, so are you're eyes But now I see the sun, now I see the sun Yes now I see it What I've felt, what I've known Turn the pages, turn the stone Behind the door, should I open it for you.... What I've felt, what I've known Sick and tired, I stand alone Could you be there, 'cause I'm the one who waits, The one who waits for you.... Oh what I've felt, what I've known Turn the pages, turn the stone Behind the door, should I open it for you.... (So I dub thee unforgiven....) Oh, what I've felt.... Oh, what I've known.... I take this key (never free...) And I bury it (never me...) in you Because you're unforgiven too.... Never free.... Never me.... 'Cause you're unforgiven too.... Oh (Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 23rd, 2005
10:38 am	1* First grade teacher's name: Mrs. Lester, I believe 2* Last word you said: Fucking paladin! Oh wait, thats two. 3* Last song you sang: Unforgiven II by Metallica 4* Last person you hugged: Millissa I believe, if not some random co-worker at work, maybe brandi? Who knows. 5* Last thing you laughed at: My big time Dee-Dee dog. 6* Last time you said I dont remember: I don't remember ((Good answer.)) 7* Last time you cried: Iunno *PRESENT* 9* What color socks are you wearing: White 10* What's under your bed: I honestly have no clue, but maybe a cat. 11* What time did you wake up today?: 8:25, 5 minutes before I had to be at school 12* Current taste: Vanilla starbucks thing 13* Current hair: messy 15* Current annoyance: Work and people. Fuck people, and not in the good way. Most are impotent or are 1000 pounds. 16* Current longing: Im going to have to go with Millissa on this one, and then add a second longing of WoW Expansion, yes im that sad. 17* Current desktop background: ugh..youre going to make me minimize this, arent you? Spiritmonger updated pic that Ian got and on the other computer, a picture of the big deedee, only these because my brothers have a hatred of having pictures of Millissa and I up. 18* Current worry: Fucking work, school. 19* Current hate: Everyone. 20* Current favorite article of clothing: My awesome baggy pair of pants. 21* Favorite physical feature of the preferred sex: Hair, eyes, legs, smile. 22* Last CD that you listened to: Cold: A Different Kind of Pain. 23* Favorite place to be: Anywhere on top of a snowy mountain, love skiing. And to add to this, Any place with Millissa :) 24* Least favorite place: Fry's. MCC. 25* Time you wake up in the morning: MWF:7:45-8 TTH: 6:45-7 26* If you could play an instrument, what would you play: Guitar or drums, I wish I could learn. 27* Favorite color: Red, Black, Gray. 28* Do you believe in an afterlife: If I could transcend to a omnipresent status and rule with an iron fist over some distant world and they worship me as a warlike, yet generous god. let me answer simply: Heeeeeeeeeeellllllllllllll yeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaah 29* How tall are you: 6'1 30* Current favorite word/saying: I blame the schools. Fuck you. I hate people. Go get me a sandwhich. 31* Favorite book: Chainer's Torment 32* Favorite season: Winter 33* One person from your past you wish you could go back and talk to: *FUTURE* 35* Where do you want to go for college? MCC->ASU 36* What is your career going to be like: Psychology...Wait a sec..this is present for me! 37* How many kids do you want: Is there an answer that is not 1 or 0? Like I have the kid but dont have to deal with all the little kid stuff until the kid is like 18 and rich and can let me stop working and pay for everything because the kid is so rich, then im going with that. *HAVE YOU EVER...* 39* Said "I love you" and meant it: Of course, Millissa :) 40* Gotten in a fight with your dog/cat/bird/fish, etc: I have many conflicts with Deedee, our rage can only be sated by the hours of fighting that is contained within our house. And I watch the eternal struggle between bryan and spunky over his bed blanket every night. 41* Been to New York: Yes, I lived there. 42* Been to Florida: Yes, grandparents. 43* Been to California: Who hasnt? 44* Been to Hawaii: No 45* Been to Mexico: No, dont really want to.. 46* Been to China: No, I hate gold farmers. 48* Dreamed something really crazy and then it happened the next day: Yes, but I dont remember *RANDOM* 52* Do you have a crush on someone: Millissa, but that isnt really a crush...<3 53* What book are you reading now? My psychology text book?? 54* Worst feeling in the world: Being lied to, let down, deceived, betrayed, stabbed in the back, etc 55* What is the first thing you think when you wake in the morning?: Why am I not asleep? 56* How many rings before you answer: Does it matter? What kind of question is this?! If youre so picky to pick up the phone youre an idiot. Its ringing, ANSWER IT! Thats what the ring is trying to tell you! The person on the other side isnt waiting for your preference shit to get in order, they have something to say! STOP WASTING THEIR TIME YOU INCONSIDERATE PRICKS! 57* Future daughter's name: I've been fond of the name Sara/h for a lot of my life. 58* Future son's name: Not Matt, cuz I would only think of is Matt from work and that'd be bad. 59* Do you sleep with a stuffed animal: My actual cats? 60* If you could have any job you wanted: Professional Awesomenist. 61* Wish were here: Millissa :D 62* College plans: Clinical psychology. 63* Piercings: my body is intact. *THE EXTRA STUFF* 64* Do you do drugs: No, bitch. Yes, I went there. 65* Do you drink: Pepsi? 67* What kind of Shampoo and Conditioner do you use: Iunno 68* What are you most scared of: Losing people, ZOMBIES! 69* What clothes do you sleep in: clothes? 70* Who is the last person that called you: Bryan 71* Where do you want to get married: Someplace, im lucky for the first part to happen. 72* If you could change anything about yourself what would that be: Being good at something. 73* Who do you really hate: Any group of anonymous people in a group greater than 0. 74* Been In Love: Yes <3 Millissa. 75* Are you timely or always late: Work? Pfft im 5 minutes late and enjoy it. 76* Do you have a job: Yep, cashier at Fry's. 77* Do you like being around people: Depends on who. 78* Best feeling in the world: Being with Millissa, the rush I get from being on WoW or paintballing. 79* Are you for world peace: There is no such thing, human nature does not allow peace. Youre fucked, world. 80* Are you a health freak: mmm, fat. 81* Do you have a "Type" of person you always go after: Not an asshole. 82* Do you want someone you don't have? Millissa is in school ;_; 83* Are you lonely right now: Wheres the deedee and Millissa..then im set. 84* Ever afraid you'll never get married: Millissa <3 85* Do you want to get married: Yes of course. 86* Do you want kids? Sure. *IN THE LAST 48 HOURS, HAVE YOU...* 87* Cried: Nah 88* Bought Something: Food. 89* Gotten Sick: Nah, im to manly for that. 90* Sang: Yes. 91* Said I Love You: To Millissa :D 92* Wanted To Tell Someone You Loved them: Millissa <3 93* Met Someone: shoppers at fry's 94* Moved On: sure? 95* Talked To Someone: I assume so, I dont really remember. 96* Had A Serious Talk: yeah, I always manage it. 97* Missed Someone: Millissa-love <3 98* Hugged Someone: Sure 99* Yelled at Someone: Yep 100* Dreamed About Someone You Can't Be With: Millissa <3<3<3<3 GET OUT OF SCHOOL..and come to my house! (Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 9th, 2005
11:05 pm	To analyze on aspects of your live journal post is all of this, and an extension of how I fealt previous to our phone conversation. You spoke of your middle school experience and how people thought you were suicidal and etc, well heres it in relation to mine. I was tortured emotionally, to a point where I was literally pulling my hair out, my grades were down the tube and I was losing "friends" left and right. The thoughts of suicide did not perminate until freshman year, but I dont remember it that well. Although when you said how you stated what things would be like if you were gone, I thought the same thing, yet not the way you meant it. I saw myself then as what it would be like if I did infact die, I saw my funeral and who would show up, most likely my family, and any friends going, not to pay respects, but to make themselves look better. It might sound bleak, but its true, not my negativity. They wouldnt be going because they had lost such a great friend, it was to show everyone that they arent a horrible person by staying home. Word of me gone would go around for a week like any high school topic then dissapear into nothingness. I added nothing then and as I subtly stated in one of my last posts, I really dont add anything now. Now lets look at things. What do I have infront of me? I have a relationship I constantly seem to do things wrong in, say or whatever, to a point where Millissa has to almost lie to avoid it, which kills me with sadness. But thats little do to with this. My worthlessness steams to a great strand. Lets look at my funeral now, the only person now other than my family whod be there and caring would be Millissa. But what would happen to her? She'd move on like I hope she would. Her time would be free-er, but that again is not the point. My life is so pathetic, really. I do the exact same shit day after day. And what kills me more is that in my life, my boring stagnant life, I cannot do better, I can only do worse. Many might argue this? But here, let me prove it. At home, I used to try hard to help around the house, fix things, etc and you know what would happen? My mom would find, not stumble upond, BUT SEARCH AND FIND the smallest thing I do wrong and yell at me beyond belief, so what do I do now? Nothing, because as I see it the more I try I still get yelled at the same, but if I do nothing at all, the less work I do and I can already deal with the yelling. The lovely events at work have proven itself too. I work my ass off at that place. I really do, more so than any other fucking bagger there. What happens? because some stupid, child fucking, dip shit has a grudge against me because I out logiced his stupid self once and keeps me from getting the gratitude I DESERVE. Im so sick of it, I really am, being shoved at the bottom of the barrel in so many things, I just want to be at the top. Not just in some contest coming out at first and getting a trophy (yay) but just in life in general, im sick of being a face in the crowd. Millissa gets mad when I bring things up about us, usually since its the result of something not happening. I know I dont say it in the best of fashions, but I say it because what I say makes me unhappy...and although I look out for Millissa so much, the stuff that makes me unhappy is when default things about us go away because shes so busy, the fact that im a burden, in one way or another..no matter how you see im a burden, makes me unhappy and through some stupid way I want it a good way. I guess I wish things to be a way which cannot perceive myself to think that Im a burden or worthless but its hard to, despite what I tell myself. I wish we didnt have to hide. School, im just a number with a dollar sign. I want to be something, I want to be THERE, not back there. Want me to think back at the last thing that made me so happy in the past few weeks? Made me feel so special. In my guild on world of warcraft, an rp guild, people write stories. Now, I never see myself as a big deal in anything since I am normally not a big deal. Well I always write little stories when im bored and think no one would really read it...until I logged on about a week ago and saw that someone had written an elaborate story AROUND my plots. First I thought it was a joke because I have never had anyone do something like that before ever. Until I talked to her and what she said brought a huge smile to my face. "You know, you dont say or write much but you really should. Every day I look at the forums and hope you wrote another story, I love them so much and your plot line is so interesting! I hope you dont mind that I added to your story, I thought you'd like it." and I did, because that was the first time someone had acknowledge something of my work and said I did a good job, a time when I got some sort of credit in my bland life. I used to cant wait to sleep so for those few hours I could escape the world and all my problems, because I always had hope that things would turn out for the good the next day, and I still sleep for the same thing. I hope to wake up and my mom treat me like a human, saying good morning, asking how my day was and actually having concern for me, not for the work I have to do. I hope to go to work and a manager say "Hey, youre doing a good job." Im not even asking for a promotion, just for more than what I normally get, criticism. I hope for all the negativity against me to end, really is what im trying to say. You ask why im negative? Because all I get is negativity. I hope for a time when I can talk to someone and instead of getting back whats going on, what I did wrong, or not even directly talking to them...just...like...something out of the ordinairy..positive... I just want the mold to be broken, but no one can break the mold, since my mom will never not be negative, my manager will always hate me, and when I talk to people I somehow get them mad. I want my bread and I want to eat it too. ----------------------------------------------------------- Please come now I think I'm falling I'm holding on to all I think is safe It seems I found the road to nowhere And I'm trying to escape I yelled back when I heard thunder But I'm down to one last breath And with it let me say Let me say Hold me now I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking maybe six feet IS so far down I'm looking down now that it's over Reflecting on all of my mistakes I thought I found the road to somewhere Somewhere in His grace I cried out 'Heaven save me' But I'm down to one last breath And with it let me say Let me say Hold me now I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking maybe six feet IS so far down Hold me now I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking maybe six feet IS so far down i'm so far down Sad eyes follow me But I still believe there's something left for me So please come stay with me Cause I still believe there's something left for you and me For you and me For you and me Hold me now I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking Hold me now I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking maybe six feet IS so far down Hold me now I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking maybe six feet IS so far down Please come now I think I'm falling I'm holding on to all I think is safe ------------ it isnt that far down. Current Music: Six feet from the Edge - Creed (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 2nd, 2005
8:22 pm	true love :) Like I said on the phone, its very important. My sad attempt at a poem. Its all for you, my love :) Ten thousand thoughts, all in one day All about you, to keep my heart at bay Your eyes, your hair, your beautiful face All these things of you I see. The myraid of reasons the countless thoughts without you I find myself lost Your voice, your laugh, your cute attitude More things that make me love you more. But in the end of the day all I see Is the girl I love, and who I always want to see Later in life when were old and grey my love will shine like the brightest day There are fairy tails and there are heart breaks Most say theyre real, most say theyre fake. But when I see us all i can see Is a dream come true, you and me One thing you must know, when you say I love you too No one will ever love you more than how much I love you. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, October 31st, 2005
10:29 pm	Hello journal, long time no see. Funny how things can distract you so much you forget about things you've had for so long. But meh. I was originally planning to dabble about the past year in my life in a suitable title "The Republic" but after my feeligns generating in my cold car or computer room, I decided this was an apex of importance and must be written somewhere. I really have no purpose. Now, before you think something like "Oh, he's just being emo" or some stupid shit like that, let me explain myself. Now then, I have come to conclude that I really have no personal egocentric purpose in life. The "purpose" I seem to wield is to add to everyone else around me EXCEPT my own person. I think about it, about what people have said to me to counter these thoughts, and tend to see truth in both sides. When I say I have no purpose it pretty much is that when I look at myself and go "So, what am I good at?" I draw a blank. You could say video games, but not really, im medoicre if you compare to everyone else. "Im a good friend/boyfriend/co-work/whatever" I like this, but while looking at it now through this Eye of Twilight, its a purpose that revolves around someone else, making them happy. I look at my "friends" such as Michael, Anthony, Serop, etc. THey all have something, it seems theyre all musical, funny, smart or gifted in some aspect of their life, something THEY THEMSELVES can go, "Yeah, im good at drawing" or "Yeah, im good at writing real real well." I cant really do that. Why I " " aroudn friends is simple, a vast majority of my friends, which this part adds to my theory, only speak to me when they need something directly or indirectly, not just to call to you know, be a friend. Like if they need x-box controllers, a ride home, some random shit information about Fry's or a phone number, doesnt make much difference. If they need help in any way im a good go-to-guy. Many will say im just sounded selfish and egocentrical...so what? Everyone has and NEEDS a part of themselves that they can have that does not involve other people. Something you know youre whole with and you dont require someone else with. Now with that being said, that does not mean you dont need other people. People seem to always have it off from day one, got their lives planned in a way, the stars in their favor. While others get the short end of the stick. On my death bed, who knows if I follow in my father's glorious foot steps, will be the same god damn way I am right now most likely, complimenting and making everyone else happy, adding to them, being there for them. Its a glorious day! Before anyone (whoever reads this) sees this as a suicide note, it isnt. Just because im writing about a lovely topic doesnt mean im going to go put a gun to my head, im no coward. My girlfriend Millissa, my beautiful girl friend Millissa. I love her to death, more than anything I could feel before. She means the world to me and she knows that, I try my best always to make her happy in any way I can. I just always want to be there for her and make her happy. But with that being said even she has music, and she'll always have music. needless to say, in realistic stand point, I wont always have her. Rome must always fall. Or shall I say, till death do us part. Less and little always seems the best way to do anything anyway. Im no optimist when it comes to many thigns in life, but I always seem to always have hope in the bright side. Millissa hates my pessimism, but on the way back from NAU band day, I road with her mom up and down to NAU and back, we had many many conversations about alot of cool stuff, one thing is I told her how much of a pessimistic person I am, and how its a bad thing and she said something to me that really made me think "Now why is that a bad thing?" and "Who says its a bad thing?" is it really? Optimism and pessimism are a really interesting thing, one looks for the best the other fears for the worse, but when I see it, its really more of PREPARING, not as much believing in it. So while thinking about it, it really makes everything good in life so much better and everything worse, well, lessened. But hey, its how you look at it. Some people say "absense only makes the heart grow fonder" and others say "Out of sight out of mind" Not saying that I believe in either. Its really not a bad thing, its a part of me. Its a part of everyone. The cup is never half empty or half full. There is always doubt and there is always hope. I miss you, and dream for more than less and little. (no, not that.) Now to escape to another world. Current Mood: determined Current Music: Metallica - Unforgiven 2 (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, August 27th, 2005
12:16 am	This is a call --excerpt-- And he tells everyone a story, Cause he thinks his life is boring And he fights so you won't ignore him, Cause that's his biggest fear And he cries, but you'll rarely see him do it And he loves but he's scared to use it So he hides behind the music Cause he likes it that way And he knows, he's so much more than worthless He needs to find the surface Cause he's starting to get nervous --excerpt-- Current Mood: tired Current Music: Thousand Foot Krutch - This Is A Call. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 9th, 2005
1:29 am	These hands are meant to hold "Move Along" Go ahead as you waste your days with thinking When you fall everyone stands Another day and you've had your fill of sinking With the life held in your Hands are shaking cold These hands are meant to hold Speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong Move along, move along like I know you do And even when your hope is gone Move along, move along just to make it through Move along Move along So a day when you've lost yourself completely Could be a night when your life ends Such a heart that will lead you to deceiving All the pain held in your Hands are shaking cold Your hands are mine to hold Speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong Move along, move along like I know you do And even when your hope is gone Move along, move along just to make it through Move along (Go on, go on, go on, go on) When everything is wrong we move along (Go on, go on, go on, go on) When everything is wrong, we move along Along, along, along When all you got to keep is strong Move along, move along like I know you do And even when your hope is gone Move along, move along just to make it through (Move along) (Go on, go on, go on, go on) Right back what is wrong We move along Current Mood: blah Current Music: The All-American Rejects - Move Along (Comment on this)
Saturday, July 16th, 2005
8:43 pm	Stability results were medium which suggests you are moderately relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic. Orderliness results were medium which suggests you are moderately organized, hard working, and reliable while still remaining flexible, efficient, and fun. Extraversion results were moderately low which suggests you are reclusive, quiet, unassertive, and secretive. trait snapshot: does not make friends easily, secretive, introverted, reclusive, observer, dislikes leadership, somewhat socially awkward, does not like to stand out, dislikes large parties, values solitude, solitary, avoidant, ambivalent about fitting in, not dominant, unassertive, suspicious, prudent, unadventurous, worrying, weird, intellectual, frequently second guesses self (Comment on this)
8:42 pm	Score-o-rama Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion |||||||||| 40% Stability |||||||||||| 50% Orderliness |||||||||||| 46% Altruism |||||||||||||||| 70% Interdependence |||||||||||||||| 70% Intellectual |||||||||||| 50% Mystical |||||||||||| 50% Artistic |||||||||| 36% Religious |||||| 30% Hedonism || 10% Materialism |||||||||||||| 56% Narcissism |||||||||||| 43% Adventurousness |||||||||||| 43% Work ethic |||||| 30% Self absorbed |||||||||||| 43% Conflict seeking |||||||||| 36% Need to dominate |||||||||| 36% Romantic |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Avoidant |||||| 30% Anti-authority |||||||||||| 50% Wealth |||||||||||| 50% Dependency |||||||||||| 50% Change averse |||||||||||||||| 70% Cautiousness |||||||||||||||| 70% Individuality |||||||||||| 43% Sexuality |||||||||||||||| 63% Peter pan complex |||||||||||||| 56% Physical security |||||||||||||||| 63% Physical Fitness |||||||||||||||||| 77% Histrionic |||||||||||||||| 63% Paranoia |||||||||||| 50% Vanity |||||||||||| 43% Hypersensitivity |||||||||||| 50% Female cliche |||||| 30% Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test personality tests by similarminds.com (Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 6th, 2005
8:19 pm	Schedule This is my schedule for first semester. M-W-F Intro to Psych 9:00am-9:50am Math 172- 11:00-11:50 That means I get to stand around for an hour. T-T 7:30-8:45- Eng 101 9:00-10:15- Some required computer class. (Comment on this)
Friday, July 1st, 2005
12:38 am	Video code provided by Music Video Codes (Comment on this)
Friday, June 3rd, 2005
1:25 am	woo You scored as Clone Trooper. </td> Clone Trooper 64% General Grievous 61% Anakin Skywalker 61% Darth Vader 56% Mace Windu 53% C-3PO 50% Yoda 47% Emperor Palpatine 42% Chewbacca 36% Obi Wan Kenobi 36% Padme Amidala 36% R2-D2 33% Which Revenge of the Sith Character are you? created with QuizFarm.com (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 25th, 2005
3:09 pm	Graduation Graduation tonight at 7:30, once my name is called I am no longer a high school student. Good job class of 2005. (Comment on this)
Monday, May 16th, 2005
5:22 pm	Burning Bright I feel like there is no need for conversation Some questions are better left without a reason And I would rather reveal myself than my situation Now and then I consider, my hesitation The more the light shines through me I pretend to close my eyes The more the dark consumes me I pretend I'm burning, burning bright I wonder if the things I did were just to be different To spare myself of the constant shame of my existence And I would surely redeem myself in my desperation Here and now I'll express, my situation There's nothing ever wrong but nothing's ever right Such a cruel contradiction I know I cross the lines its not easy to define I'm born to indecision There's always something new some path I'm supposed to choose With no particular rhyme or reason Damn, me a year ago lol Current Mood: FUCK HUMANITIES Current Music: Shinedown - Burning Bright (Comment on this)
Saturday, May 14th, 2005
5:06 pm	Another WoW night..damnit I hate this game but its the only thing to do. Hope everything is still all good with..other things. See ya all in Tirasfall, got some Scarlet Crusade to kill. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 3rd, 2005
10:48 pm	Theres a feeling I have that is greater now than ever. Greater than when I won so many tournements, greater than a brand new game, greater than any other time I ever had the feeling before. For almost 7 months now I have had a feeling that has been something new and amazing..something refreshing..something that has made everything so much better. Happiness. I've thought about how much I've gotten happier as Millissa has entered my life and we've grown together. I thought about how I was happy when I was around her when we were just friends, how I had a attraction to her but still happy that I had such a great friend. But almost 7 months ago, something happened. And the happiness I knew is almost nothing to what it is now. Millissa has changed my life, shes made it all so much better in life. I smile more, I talk a lot more..im just over all happier. But the thing I have been thinking about is, I know that she makes me happy...but why does she make me happy? The over all fact is that I am happy because she is happy :) Thats really all I care about, is making HER happy...and that makes me happy in return :) I want to do everything I can to make her happier than she ever has been..whatever it is, I just want her to be happy :) Thats all I ever wanted. Millissa's last journal post made me think too, and later on the phone she told me that I should find my happy place..and although I have been thinking I still dont know what exactly it would be..I think of what makes me happy...Millissa..my friends..my computer...but for some reason if I had all of them in a combination its not the perfect happy place I want, sure it'd have its ups, but it'd also have its down. But I've been thinking about my happy place..and one thought comes to my mind..something Millissa said to me when I was down. "Just look in your heart and I'll be there" Thats my happy place...I might not be able to personify it into a tangible place, but all that my happy place is, well, not a place..but whats in my heart. The feelings I have for people and things that effect my life is my happy place. My unbelievable love for Millissa. My love for computers, my relationships with my friends like Serop...these are the things that make me happy..the memories of times with them are somethings I can always look at to make me happy. And when im down, angry, upset or whatever, I can look in my heart..and there will be Millissa, waiting to make everything better :) Because when I look in my heart, its just the two of us :) The two of us alone, loving each other :) a love that will never fade :) The 24 hours I speant with Millissa had to be one of the best days ever :) Its hard to rank 'the best' day with Millissa because we never have a bad day..every day is simply amazing, but this would have to be one of the best..because it was the longest I've ever been with her :) an entire 24 hours..The week leading up to prom was absolutely terrible, and after an hour with her I forgot about everything, she was right about it making me feel better :) I love Millissa, everyone knows that I do because I've said it..im not ashamed of it. My mom thinks I should be dating a ton of girls, and I can see her logic somewhat, but I dont think it applies to Millissa and I. I see how other relationships end up at school, and how they work..and I see Millissa's and I's relationship as something different...something unique..something special. And thats what it is. :) I love Millissa more than anything, and she loves me :) Shes my world and hopefully im hers :) but aslong as shes happy its all good :) Even if she doesnt want to be with me, aslong as shes happy im find with it..because her happiness, even if I dont give her the happiness...I just want her to be happy :) The moment that will stick with me forever about prom was when Millissa and I were just sitting at a table, and I was resting my head on her shoulder because I was getting kinda tired...she wasnt talking to anyone and we were just sitting there together. Other than the music and the people, there was just silence..and when I am with her..the only thing I hear is her lovely voice. I heard a sound that I've heard a few times before..I looked at her and a few tears gathered under her eyes. I looked at her and asked what was wrong, because the last time she cried was when she found out she couldnt go to my graduation, the cop insident and when she lost her keyes. I asked her what was wrong and she gave me a smile that I can picture perfect in my mind..and I will never forget...and then said something that I will treasure forever..."I just realize how much I really love you" we then kissed, and in my mind I felt something amazing..although I wasnt showing on the outside..at that moment I think her and I connected..and I knew how much she loved me...and I realized how much I really do love her. I wish I could relive that moment over and over because it was probobly one of the best amount of time I've ever been with her. I want to tell her how much I love her..I just want to find a way..but I dont know how..I try with these rants but they dont always work...I wish you could know how much I truly love you Millissa :) One more moment was when her and I were sitting on a bench thing by the dance floor, and she looked at me and a small smile formed on her face, and began to grow and grow...and I smiled and like her or I usually say to break silence "what" and she smiled more and didnt say anything for a few seconds...then said something like I would say god damn I love you so much..then kissed me very passionatly :) it was nice hehe I loved her prom..I think Millissa and I became even closer that night..we talked so much and the next day her and I just spent most of the day together...I love these times...I love her :) and I could never see why we would ever break up..We arent like normal relationships with all the mind games and shit I see at school..we dont have power struggles..everything is perfect with her and I :) And although my mom wants it, im not going to break up with her just to fit into some stupid status quo..Why in the world would I throw away her..something so beautiful...so amazing..so funny...so talented..so perfect..why would I ever want something else other than her? I dont want anyone but her..and hopefully she feels the same way towards me :) Hopefully this rant applies to her too...but if it doesnt, oh well :) I just hope shes happy :) I love you Millissa...I love the way you smile, I love the way you laugh, I love your hair, I love your glasses, I love your silliness that makes every second with you so entertaining :), I love your lovingness..the feeling that makes me know someone in the world feels the same way for me as I feel for them, I love your picollo..the thing that you can be the best at :), I love when you say nice things about me even though I deny it ;), I love the way you make hints and nudges ;), I love the way that we can be so open with each other about everything, I love when you turn into mush, I love when you turn me into mush ;), I love when you act cute ;), I love when youre playful, I love when she lays on my couch and opens her arms and says "hug!" in such a cute voice, I love when she smiles with such happiness when I stare at her, I love when she says "Oh really?" and tilts her head when I say..things..to her ;), I love how I flatter her ;), I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU! I love every second when Im with her and always will..I love hearing her voice in real life or over the phone..I love just being with her...being with someone that I can be completely me with...I love Millissa :) and I always will :) I always think about her, and I can never see my life without her in it...and I hope its always like this..just her and I loving each other :) and it will...and in the future, so much more :) I love you Millissa :) Forever and always. Current Mood: happy Current Music: Mudvayne - Happy? (1 Comment |Comment on this)